


Alcoholic Love

by Cornutella



Category: Eurovision Song Contest RPF, Festival di Sanremo RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Cigarettes, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Psychoanalysis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 15:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14917652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cornutella/pseuds/Cornutella
Summary: The development of relationships between Ermal and Fabrizio





	1. Chapter 1

He was standing at the balcony. Alone. Looking at the city, smoking.

What was he feeling? Nothing. Nothing, but loneliness. Again. Last time he felt it few months ago. But there was hope then. There was something to wait for. And now?.. He didn’t know. _Maybe_.. This strange word, that gives you hope, but never for sure. It does give you hope, and kills you with that hope at the same time.

What was he thinking about? Him. Him again. Like he was now living forever in his mind. His smile, his voice, his laugh, his eyes, his… everything. The way he talked, the way he looked at him, the way he touched him. How could he not to think about him, how could he not wait for him, how could he just not be that addicted to him? After all that happened? After all they said to each other and, especially, after all they didn’t say to each other due to different circumstances, like it was too obvious or, exact opposite, too much.

He wanted so much not to think about him. Not to think about anything. Just go to sleep and pretend it all was just a dream. A very nice dream, but, as they all are, not real. But he couldn’t. Because it was way too real. He almost could hear again that voice that was saying ‘You know, maybe you were right. That duet with that song can be something. I like it. Like a lot.’ He could almost see, even with his eyes wide open, that smile, a little bit awkward, but so sincere. He could almost see that sparkle in his eyes, when he heard for the first time the draft of the song. He could almost hear how he said that that would be much more, than he thought at the beginning. And it was. In all senses.

 

Ermal was sitting on the coach with a guitar and silently playing ‘non mi avete fatto niente’. Fabrizio was sitting on the chair, listening very attentively and mumbling the words of the song. They were alone in the room. They both preferred privacy; they both liked being concentrated on the working process, so they easily agreed to practice most of the time (as long as possible) alone together.

‘So you do think it'll work better as a duet? Why?’ asked Fabrizio when the room went to silence.

Ermal looked at him. His eyes were exploring the other man in a very peruse way like he was trying to examine the very soul of that person, to read his thoughts, to understand the way he felt and thought. And it actually was true.

‘I don’t know. I remember seeing you for the first time there in Ariston. You were so nervous and tense, but… I sort of felt something. You know that I loved your songs before and seeing you there was like a miracle, but it wasn’t only that. I just felt like we should collaborate. At least once. So I decided to follow my instincts,’ answered Ermal.

He said that in a very easy way, like it was so obvious. He wanted to sound very causal, clear. He wished it was really that easy. He wished that he wouldn’t think a thousand times how to answer that simple question that he knew would come someday. He wished he could actually answer that question to himself. He still remembered that Sanremo like it was yesterday. How he felt that weird tension. How he couldn’t take his eyes off from that man. He didn’t know why, but he knew from the beginning that there was something about that man for him and he wanted to know what.

‘Yeah, it was definitely a good decision,’ Fabrizio smiled.

Ermal liked how well they were getting together. It really felt like this duet should have happened sooner or later. He started playing the guitar again, but now he was feeling that exploring glare on himself. Obviously, he was not the only one who was trying to understand who he was dealing with.

 

Oh, how well he remembered everything. Those awkward smiles that they used to share at the beginning, those glances to each other that they both (unsuccessfully) tried to hide. He liked how fast they became friends. Almost without even trying. Like they knew each other already for a long time. Oh, how well he remembered how they begun to go home late because they couldn’t stop talking to each other, because they didn’t even bother to look at time, because they both suddenly started thinking about the other as of the part of their lives. When they weren’t at the studio, or couldn’t practice and were at their tours they still couldn’t not to at least write to each other. It was almost like an obligatory thing for every day to do, to hear from each other at least once a day, like brush your teeth or drink coffee at the morning.

For the first time in his life he didn’t feel fear because of Sanremo, he wasn’t afraid, he was… enthusiastic? Yes, in fact he was, because it meant that they would spend almost all their time together. And it meant a lot for him. For the first time in his life he wouldn’t be feeling alone there, he would actually be with someone who understands, who can support him, who shares his passion to the song and music in general.

He remembered that relief that he felt, when he finally met him there, in Sanremo. He remembered so well that ingenuous smile that let him know for sure, that he wasn’t the only one, who waited for them finally to meet. He remembered, how instead of saying ‘hi’ they went for a hug, because they both knew that would express much more, and because they just couldn’t act like strangers anymore. They both still doubted if they were good friends for real already, but those five days ahead would definitely make them closer to each other. They both knew that.

They didn’t have a lot of time to talk, or at least to rest, but it was so amazing to finally find a person, who cared about the music at the same way as he did. It was like working with your alter ego that shares your passion, but has a little bit different and interesting view on things and always was there with a good advice. He regretted only one thing then and now – that they haven’t met earlier. It was like finally finding that little missing thing that you don’t actually notice is missing, until you finally find it and later cannot imagine how you lived without that before.

He came back inside the apartment straight to the kitchen to poor some red wine. It was almost like a habit for him already. Smoking on the balcony, drinking red wine and waiting. Waiting for maybe a text from him.. a call.. or at least for the thoughts of him go away and let him sleep. That is what his life has become lately. Waiting. Endless waiting. At this point, he didn’t mind because it helped him to think about all of this, to concentrate on the feelings, so he was able to see the situation clear-eyed.

He remembered how nervous they both were at the rehearsals. How afraid they both were before going on stage of the first day of festival. How they both were excited to share their song with people. That relieved smile after the performance. How honored and touched they were, when the song was the one that had the most points for that day. How they almost hadn’t talked that evening because they were exhausted mentally and physically. They were just sitting in the hotel bar, slowly drinking and looking at each other. They both knew each others feelings at that moment, so the words were unnecessary.

He remembered how he fell asleep instantly because he was too exhausted to even think about their performance and how he heard the same story from him next morning. He remembered how they happily had breakfast, and talked and laughed… And how they learned that they were about to be eliminated. No, he barely could remember his emotions or if he actually could feel anything at all after that. He only could answer questions in all those interviews and explain their position. But he will never in his life forget the face of Fabrizio after these news. He will never forget how he tried to hide his tears, how shaken he was. He was almost like a little kitten in a big world that is full of terrors. He was speechless; he barely could answer the questions. And Ermal remembered how he was sitting that evening with him, saying something to make the other feel better, even though it was really hard even for him. He knew very well that Fabrì was always nervous enough with that festival, and Ermal did all he could for him to feel more relaxed, but in the end there was this mature Italian man almost crying on his shoulder. No, Fabrizio wasn’t the kind of person that couldn’t accept loosing, but not like this.

‘That is not fair. We read the regulations like thousands of times, they cannot eliminate us.’

It all was like a nightmare. The day seemed to be endless. They both were so close to just abandoning the festival, but couldn’t find it in themselves to make the other person lose their dream.

‘It will all go great, I promise you.’

‘How can you promise that, you do not know the future.’

‘No, but I won’t give up until I see your beautiful smile again.’

Fabrizio smiled. At least he tried to. He always felt so insecure at those festivals. Not because he didn’t like his own music, or was afraid of big scenes, but because it was like screaming in the big crowd, that was already very noisy – the people you scream to won’t hear you, and the others won’t listen. Ermal knew that well. He had the same fear himself, but didn’t feel that much pressure because he knew – the ones who want to, will hear you no matter what. He always was saying that to Fabrì when he felt down.

‘You know, I remember you being horribly nervous and weird. And I also remember your song. “Portami via”. All the words by heart. Because you cannot make the others listen to you, but the ones who need to – will’.

‘Don’t remember making you my target audience,’ smiled Moro.

‘But thanks to that song now we are here together. And I’m not in the mood of changing it.’

He remembered that that night was the first time he stayed in Fabrizio’s room, because he couldn’t leave him like this. And he wasn’t sure if he himself was able to survive that night. They were repeating the lyrics of the song, their arguments that their song is not a plagiarism; they were convincing each other that this couldn’t be the end. Then he remembered how he noticed that Fabrì had started to fall asleep and made sure that he went to sleep in his bed. Then he poured a little bit more red wine that they were drinking to put his thoughts together. He couldn’t let Fabrizio see his emotions, how nervous he was himself, how desperate. But now, falling asleep, he could think about all, to feel everything that he was hiding all day. He didn’t remember much more because he fell asleep on the sofa.

Then, the next day, everything went so fast, that he barely could remember anything. He only remembered that they were allowed to continue participating in the festival. They didn’t talk much before their performance, only congratulated each other on the little victory. But he knew they both were just out of words because of sheer happiness and stress. He remembered how they stood right behind the scene, waiting for their turn, all in silence.

He didn’t remember much more after. Only one thing. How he couldn’t help himself at the end of the song, how he suddenly felt all the emotions he had those last few days, that happiness of meeting Fabrì and that desperation of being almost eliminated, and he remembered how sad and miserable Fabrizio looked and felt because of all of that, so he just went near Fabrizio, feeling like he was guided by some inner instincts, and put him in a hug. It just felt like the right thing to do. He didn’t care that there were a lot of cameras shooting them. And it was like the time stopped. There were only two of them, standing there, so close to each other. Ermal could feel Fabrì’s heartbeat, could smell the shampoo and hair spray on his hair, could feel how softly and gently Moro put his hand on Ermal’s, how it felt so right, like finally taking a breath after being under the water for a long time.

He remembered finally coming to Fabrì’s hotel room, without saying a word. He remembered how they were sitting there at the balcony in silence for a while just slowly drinking wine. They both were emotionally exhausted. They felt too many things those last days.

 

Fabrizio was sitting on the chair, exhausted, drinking wine and looking at Ermal.

‘You know, today’s performance went great,’ Fabrì finally broke the silence. ‘Haven’t thought that being almost eliminated can pour so much energy in me, because it felt absolutely different.’

‘It’s called adrenaline,’ answered Ermal lightning a cigarette with that little grin of his that Fabrizio hated and adored at the same time.

‘Stop being a bitch every time I try… I mean at all. You are always a bitch,’ he laughed.

‘Oh, sorry about that, but no. If I stop than who will have the courage to tell you that your wardrobe is a trash can?’

‘Oh, fuck off. I like my clothes.’

‘I cannot let the most handsome man I know wear those ridiculous things like you’ve been living alone in the forest for a year and then was saved by the group of fishermen,’ Ermal laughed and gulped some wine.

‘I still cannot believe you said that on camera! That you find me ‘sexy’!’ Fabrizio smiled his beautiful smile while sipping his wine, but Ermal noticed that he was blushing a bit.

‘Oh you know, I’m just trying to be honest with the press and fans,’ he smiled inhaling the cigarette smoke. ‘And I am not blind like you when you are choosing your outfits.’

‘You sound like a girl who has a crush!’ Fabrizio was getting almost red. He always did when Ermal complimented him. And Meta liked it a lot.

‘I am just an honest mature guy, a friend of yours, who can tell the truth without having a crush,’ he tried to sound as neutral as it was possible without having his voice cracking because of laughter and that weird feeling that what he was saying wasn’t a 100% truth. But he wasn’t in the mood of sorting out his emotions and feelings right now. ‘Anyway you looked great today. Red suits you.’ He wasn’t sure now if he was talking about the jacket or the color of cheeks that Fab had right now.

‘Thanks. I would like to say the same, but you know pretty well that you looked good,’ he tried to sound sarcastic, but it was almost impossible for him, so unnatural. ‘Also, don’t you think that that hug will be widely discussed? People like to create stories of everything that happens in public.’

‘You didn’t enjoy that moment?’ Ermal tried to sound very surprised and as always with sarcasm in his voice. ‘Don’t you worry, I’ll figure that out. What can be wrong with a hug between two friends, right?’

‘No, I did enjoy that hug. I actually thought that I would freak out, but then you saved the day,’ Fabrì definitely hadn’t heard the sarcasm. Again. ‘Anyway that was really kind of you.’ He smiled, pouring a bit more wine in his glass, then in Ermal’s.

‘I just looked at you and… I felt like I have to protect you…’ now he wasn’t joking or trying to sound fun, he was telling the truth. ‘Couldn’t allow you to collapse on the stage,’ he added with a little grin.

Then they both went to silence again. But not that comfortable and tired silence they had before, but now it was a little bit tense. Like they both were about to say something to each other, to explain something, but couldn’t find the right words. So they were sitting there in silence, drinking wine and looking at each other from time to time. A little bit later, when they both began to yawn and had almost finished the wine, Fabrizio, finally, had the courage to say something he was meaning to say all evening.

‘Hey…’ Ermal looked at him. He looked tired and a little bit drunk. ‘I’m… You know… Well…’

‘For fuck’s sake if you want to say something just say it!’ Ermal laughed.

‘Can you stay here with me? Tonight?’

Ermal could feel the heat coming from Fabrì’s face as if he was on fire just because of saying that out loud.

‘I… I just can’t be alone…’ Fabrì added when he saw surprised look on the other’s face. ‘I won’t fall asleep… I’m a little bit… afraid… like there’s a lot of pressure… and…’

‘Fabrì!’ Ermal had to stop that weird fall of speech. ‘Stop explaining yourself. It sounds horrible.’

Fabrizio went silent. He looked at Ermal with those big sad eyes of him. How could someone look that offended and innocent at their 42? Weird.

‘I didn’t say no. I said shut the fuck up.’ Ermal took a deep breath. ‘Okay, I’ll stay. Don’t want to spend the whole tomorrow by trying to cheer you up.’

Oh how he wanted to sound natural and funny and usual. Like he wasn’t that relieved and excited with that offer.

 

And he stayed. Now he even thought that he maybe would have stayed even if Fabrì didn’t ask.

He remembered so well Fabrizio’s cold arms, because it was cold at the balcony in February even in a jacket. He remembered how the other almost fell asleep while Ermal was closing the balcony doors and a little bit fixing the mess. He remembered how he joined Fab at the bed. It didn’t feel weird because they were tired, drunk and stressed. It really felt like the right thing to do.

He checked that Fabrizio was covered with the blanket and as there was no other blanket he joined the other almost sleeping man. And after that he didn’t remember anything. But his body did. That hot breath on his neck, those still cold hands wrapping around his waist just under the t-shirt, that heart beat, that mixed smell of sweat, alcohol, perfume and hair spray that he somehow liked, but most importantly he felt safe and relaxed. He could spend all his life in that bed, in those arms…

He remembered the next day. How he was explaining to the press that hug on stage, how they were getting ready for the new performance, how he was telling Fabrizio that he looked great, how they were looking into each other’s eyes for a bit longer than maybe they should have. Then he remembered how they went again to Fabrì’s room, how they talked and talked. He didn’t actually remember what they were talking about. They started with thinking over the final and repeating all they had discussed on the rehearsals. Then the conversation went far away from the Sanremo to something like ‘what will you eat when you are finally at home’ and ‘it would be very nice visiting each other while on tour’. He remembered that that evening ended like the previous one: they were at the same bed and Fabrizio’s arms were holding Ermal as close as it was possible. But that evening they were not drinking because of the final performance at which they both preferred to be as concentrated and clear-minded as they could be, so drinking wasn’t an option at all. And there was no question like ‘would you stay with me tonight?’ because it was unnecessary. They both wouldn’t be able to sleep on their own that night – too much pressure.

And then it was it. The final evening of Sanremo. Oh how nervous Fabrizio was. At times Ermal thought that he could lose his consciousness in the green room. Yes, everyone was on their nerves, he himself was, but Fab was like a little bird in a cage that was going crazy because of fear. He took him into their dressing room while there was plenty of time before their turn. He could almost hear himself saying while looking in the other man’s eyes ‘Fabrì, please, calm down. The world won’t explode if we don’t win, but my mind will if you don’t stop freaking out’. He remembered how he put his hands on Fab’s face, how he looked deep into his beautiful brown eyes, how he said that the most important things have already happened: they spread the message and they found each other on the other level of their friendship and those were the only things that mattered. Fabrizio were silent for a while, but then agreed. Then he pulled him in the hug whispering ‘I’m glad I have you’ in Ermal’s ear.

And then it was all like a movie in slow motion – they were on stage again, almost blind again with all those lights, singing like it was their last chance to say anything to these people, then the green room, then stage again, bunch of emotions that they have made it to TOP-3, green room again, Fabrizio holding his hand all that time while waiting for the final results, stage again, waiting and… _Euphoria_. They won. And after that realization he remembered only some fragments – the loud music, confetti everywhere, being pulled in the softest and happiest hug, pulling Fabrizio a little bit off the ground, photo cameras, holding the golden lion. Then they were singing their song again. He always wondered how people actually were able to sing after all those emotions. Now it was his turn to do that. He was shaking from all the nerves, his voice was cracking, he could barely sing. All he wanted now is to wrap himself in Fabrizio’s arms. At that moment he actually realized that he was glad that he won with someone near him, because it would have been much more difficult to face all these feelings by himself. But Fabrì was singing, somehow, more calm and confident than ever. Like the exact opposite of Ermal. And then it was Fabrizio, who put him in an awkward hug. He was holding him from the back, so all Ermal could actually do is just put his hand in the other man’s hair. It probably looked weird, but he didn’t care about anything right now. Then Fab left a little gentle kiss on his cheek and at that was more precious than any prize in the world.

 

They were finally out in their dressing room. Just for a while, before after show interviews begun.

‘How does it feel finally winning Sanremo after all those years?’ softly asked Ermal.

‘Incredible!’ Fabrizio was shining brighter than a diamond under direct sunlight. ‘Like finally being told that you made the right decision in your life.’

Ermal smiled. They both were looking at that little gold lion on the table, but not like at the trophy, but like at the symbol of their dreams that came true. Nothing is impossible, just never give up.

‘Fabrì?’ Ermal went closer, looking at those deep brown eyes that were so bright with happiness.

‘Hmm?’

‘Remember how few days ago I gave you a promise? That I will not stop until you smile again? You know what?’ Ermal was almost whispering already without being able to take his eyes off that incredibly bright and beautiful smile that he has never seen before on anybody. ‘I think I kind of kept my promise.’ Now he felt Fabrizio’s tense glare of on himself. Oh, that glare that almost made him feel helpless. ‘But now I feel like I owe you a kiss.’ He chuckled and leaned a bit to put a soft kiss on Fabrì’s cheek. He almost could see that little disappointment in the other’s man eyes that he actually enjoyed. ‘I wouldn’t have made it without you,’ he whispered in Fab’s ear.

He felt how Fabrizio pulled him closer again, he felt his hot breath on his neck, and he heard how Fab said almost only with his lips ‘thank you’. At that moment Ermal realized that he was the happiest man alive.

‘Hey, don’t want to end this beautiful moment, but we have some interviews right now.’ He laughed. ‘Let’s go, we can express our feelings a little bit later.’

‘Oh, why do you always ruin the moment?’ Asked Fabrizio half joking, half being serious, while they were going out the room.

Those night interviews he didn’t remember. He only remembered that he and Fab drunk enough of free good wine that seemed like a fair price after five days of nerves. Then they were in the hotel elevator. He was hanging on Fabrizio, saying something stupid that barely made sense at all and the other was laughing, trying his best not to let Ermal fall on the floor. They finally made it to the door of Fabrì’s room. He didn’t actually even think about going to his room, while the other was searching for a key card. It wasn’t like they were _that_ drunk – the most was the tiredness. Then finally, they were in the room.

Some time later Ermal was smoking on the balcony when he heard quiet steps behind him. Then he felt this hot breath again on the back side of his neck and two arms softly wrapping his waist from behind.

‘Can’t believe that this is our last night together,’ whispered Fabrizio in Ermal’s ear, softly lying his head on the other man’s shoulder. They stood like that for a while, when, after he took a pull on a cigarette, Meta turned around to look in Fabrì’s eyes.

‘Can’t believe you actually think so,’ he chuckled. Fab looked a bit confused, but then a little uncertain smile appeared on his face. ‘You are so fortunate that you’re going to spend five magical days with me in Lisbon this May. And I’m not even mentioning the fact that I’m coming  to at least the half of your concerts without asking your permission, and if you really think that it means that I’m going to sing only one song and go home then you probably don’t know me at all.’

 ‘Oh, fuck you. You ruined the moment for a second time in one evening!’ Fabrizio exclaimed with a smile. ‘I was just going to say that I’ll miss always having you by my side, but you know what? Don’t think so anymore.’ Oh, how he tried to look offended and serious, and he almost succeeded in that, but then he couldn’t help himself and laughed, hiding his face in Ermal’s shoulder again.

Ermal put his left hand on Fab’s waist, while taking the last pull on a cigarette and throwing it in the direction of ashtray.

‘I don’t know about you, but I definitely will miss all of this – this room, this balcony, our midnight conversations, the feeling of having a place where we can be alone and, especially... _You_.’ Ermal was whispering in the night air, his voice shaking a bit – maybe because of the cold wind, or because he could feel how close to having tears he was. He felt Fabrizio’s hand on his head, how his fingers softly went through his curls. ‘But you know, maybe,’ he continued while putting his right hand on Fabrì’s arm, ‘ _our home is just a place where we are together_.’ His right hand went to the other man’s shoulder, and then went down to the waist, allowing him to pull Fabrì a little bit closer, as close as it was possible.

They were standing there in silence, cuddling. Just two of them at that balcony, which felt like there were just two of them in the whole world. It was cold enough outside, but so hot in the arms of each other. They both didn’t know how long they were standing like this – a few minutes, a half an hour or more. It just felt like eternity, but yet seconds at the same time. There was only one thing for sure, that if they could, they would stay like this forever.


	2. Chapter 2

He poured more wine in the glass, took it and was going to go back to the balcony when he saw the little golden lion again. Oh, sometimes he hated that Fabrì actually decided to give him their prize because every time Ermal looked at it he remembered every second of their last night in Sanremo, every minute of all those endless interviews and press conferences they had the next day. Oh, it hurt a bit. But he didn’t have the strength to put it away, and it would be too much.

He finally reached the balcony, sat on the chair, put the glass on the little table and took out the cigarette.

Arriving home after that week in Sanremo felt so strange. That festival changed something in him. No, not the festival itself, but all that time he and Fabrizio spent together. He got used to their ’life’ together there in that hotel room. Now he was back to his own world, all by himself facing the problems he created a long time ago. Silvia wasn’t there for a few days and then he was going to instore tour, and he was actually glad. They both knew very well that their relationship was going down. But also Ermal understood very well that he was trying to avoid any conflict, to escape from the situation, not to solve it. That realization made him feel bad, but he couldn’t help it. Instead of resolving the situation he was putting himself deeper in the mess. And he hated that he knew that, but wasn’t doing anything about it and even almost enjoyed it. Sitting alone on the kitchen with the glass of wine alone only with little gold lion made him feel horribly lonely, but yet he didn’t want Silvia to come. Then Fabrizio called. And they were talking for hours without noticing. And all the problems went away for that time.

Then the instore tour started. Every day he was in a new city, he was so busy, had so many things to do and so little time to care about anything. And it was amazing. At night or early in the morning he was on a train or in a car driving to another city, then autograph session and meeting with fans almost till late evening. Maybe a drink in bar or hotel room. Then texting Fabrì or receiving a text from him. Or even a call. Video call. Fabrizio himself was on instore tour so they were in the same situation but they were talking almost every night. For hours. At the same time he called Silvia two times in a month and texted few times. He hated himself for that but couldn’t help it.

The month and a half went for what it seemed like a week. All the days were the same, but only their conversations with Fabrì were different and so intimate like they have been close friends for years, not just for a little bit more than a month. Then they’ve met in Lisbon to make a postcard for Eurovision. He knew it was a bit awkward for both of them, because they wanted to express so much of their feelings and emotions, but both thought that it would be too much. He thought they would talk all their way to Porto, but instead he fell asleep on Fabrizio’s shoulder and he knew that Fab also fell asleep, leaned his head on Ermal’s curls. Lately he realized that it was probably because for the first time after Sanremo he felt so tranquil and safe that he actually let himself relax.

The first evening in Porto was like they were again in their (Fabrizio’s) room in Sanremo. They were finally together again, finally sitting close to each other, finally talking, drinking and smoking, seeing a real person in front of them, not an image on the phone screen. They couldn’t stop talking all night. When they didn’t know what to talk about they were just sitting and drinking looking somewhere at the distance, but feeling so comfortable just in each other’s company. All he knew after is that he woke up in Fabrizio’s bed. _Again_. He probably fell asleep on the balcony, so Fab didn’t have much of a choice. ‘Oh, fuck’ was his first thought in the morning. Not because he minded, but he actually started realize that he was getting used to that. Actually the thought that he preferred sleeping near Fabrizio was weird enough, but he would be a fool not to acknowledge it.

The next few days flew by like a minute. Some interviews, shooting a postcard, talking at night… He wanted to put those days on repeat forever. He remembered how on the second day at night he actually thought to go to his own room because couldn’t come up with any excuse for him to stay. Because there was nothing to be scared about and he wasn’t that drunk and exhausted to not to be able going to his own room. But Fabrì noticed that doubt in his eyes. ‘If I asked you to stay, would you?’ he could hear that voice even now as if Fab was there. And he stayed. Without saying a word. Just nodded.

Oh how he didn’t want to leave Porto, how he wished to stay there forever with Fab, to escape from the world, to disappear with him. But yet he was alone on the plane from Lisbon to Milan thinking only about how comfortable he felt in the last hug of Fabrizio before they said goodbye to each other and went to different airport zones.

Oh how easy it was to ignore all his problems for those almost three weeks. All he was concerned about was his concert in Assago Forum on the 28th April. Or not only… Yes, the concert was very important to him. But he wasn’t sure that it was only the concert that kept him so distracted from the outer world. Only thinking that he was going to see Fabrizio again, to talk to him again, to sing with him again made him so calm. Oh, he was thinking about Fabrizio _again_. He would have hated himself more for being that obsessed with him if not for the fact that because of Fab he could forget for at least some time about all of his problems. Or maybe it wasn’t actually a good thing? He didn’t know and didn’t want to know. Sometimes he just wished that it would be possible to turn the page of his life to the part where everything is suddenly good and clear, so he doesn’t have to figure out anything by himself.

Those two weeks of him ignoring anything except of music and Fabrizio in fact played out well enough. Silvia lost her temper. One evening they’ve started arguing. It happened quietly a lot lately, but this time was different. The quarrel somehow went to a talk, the talk went to apologizing… They’ve finally understood each other and themselves. And they finally said out lout that this relationship cannot go any further.

The next day she moved out. Ermal didn’t know what he felt actually. Yes, he felt a little bit down, how couldn’t he after 9 years together. But still he felt like there still was something that still needed to be fixed.

Then he lost himself in the rehearsals, in the interviews, and solving a lot of little problems that the concerts created. And, finally it was the day. He remembered all that noise in halls of Assago, so many people – stuff, musicians, guests. All those nerves, the concert itself, every second of it. He almost forgot how alive he felt singing in front of the audience here with enormous amount of people.

But with only few notes of ‘Non mi avete fatto niente’ he suddenly was so excited that singing the first part of a song was a little bit difficult for him. All the time he wanted to turn around, to be the first one to see Fabrizio’s silhouette, to be the first to share a smile with him, so when he finally heard that beautiful hoarse voice behind him he shuddered. Oh, he waited for that moment for so long. He missed being on stage with that handsome Italian man, missed the energy that he had when he sang, the chemistry that nowadays always appeared between them. Oh how he wished it was possible just to stay as close as he could to Fabrì, to sing just looking into his eyes. Yet it wasn’t an option at all. But the fact that Fab was always running away from him on the other part of the stage was a bit irritating. And even though Ermal knew very well that he should act the same he always was finding himself trying to get closer to Fabrì. Probably it almost looked like they were playing tag. At the end of the song he finally reached the other man. Then he felt an arm on his back and shoulder, the heat of the body near him. It was like a relief. Because he started to believe that Fabrì was avoiding him for some reason. Now he again felt safe and happy. They were walking like this for a while without being able to let each other go. Then with a soft kiss on the cheek Fab pulled out and started saying goodbyes to the crowd. ‘We’ll see each other soon!’ said Ermal without even caring that everyone heard him say that.

 

He was in the kitchen, pouring wine. With two glasses filled with red wine, he came back to his room and sat on the floor leaning against his own bed near Fabrizio handing over one of the glasses. It was raining outside so they couldn’t go on the balcony.

‘Thanks for letting me stay at your place tonight.’

‘Always welcome.’

‘Where’s Silvia?’

‘Don’t know.’ Ermal noticed a surprised look. ‘We’ve broken up some time ago,’ he explained.

‘Oh, sorry.’

‘No, nothing. I mean not ‘nothing’, but I’ll be fine. It was just a matter of time.’

Fabrì didn’t answer. There was actually nothing to say. They were sitting for a while in that silence, drinking, immersed in their own thoughts.

‘By the way thanks for coming,’ added Ermal. ‘I’ve felt quite lonely lately.’

‘Somehow me too.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Yeah, I know what you are thinking right now. I do have a family and I should spend all my free time with them, so how can I feel lonely? I… I don’t know. After meeting you, after all that happened… I know that when you meet a new friend you want to spend all the time with that person, to share all you have, to understand each other better, it is like a breath of fresh air… But I can feel that it’s not only like that… When I’m with you I feel safe and comfortable and I haven’t experienced this for years, I feel like I’m where I should be, but at the same time my brain tells me that I’m choosing the wrong direction… Oh, fuck. I can’t even make myself sound clear… What a mess is in my head lately…’

‘Hey, hey,’ Ermal whispered, putting a hand on Fabrì’s shoulder. ‘I kind of know what you are saying. I feel that myself. I just want to tell you one thing – from the first time I saw you, from the first time we’ve talked I felt something weird. Then you asked me to make a song together… I mean, we both know very well that it wasn’t supposed to be a duet, so maybe from that very moment everything went that way. I’ve just decided to let it go, to trust my inner voice that was going against my brain. I had to choose. I’ve chosen to do as I feel. And you know what? I found a great friend, I’ve won Sanremo with him, and I’ve shared so many beautiful moments with him. I’ve never felt so alive. And if it’s not the sign that I’ve chosen the right direction then what?’ Fabrizio smiled a little. ‘Stop thinking, just live as you _feel_ is right.’

‘I… I’m afraid …’ Fabrì whispered looking in Ermal’s eyes.

‘I’m always by your side.’

The wine was gone. Two empty glasses were standing not far from them on the floor. Ermal was in Fabrizio’s arms, losing himself in the softness of that tender yet a bit desperate hug, of the heat of the other man’s body, the feel of those gentle lips and stubbly beard on his neck. They were both about to lose their minds and control.

Those few little kisses on the neck… Those fingers in his curls… That rapid heart beating… That hot breath…

In the morning he was glad that they both were tired enough to not do anything more and just went to sleep as they usually do. But he was glad about that only because he never liked having to talk in the morning.

 

And then his hardest month started. Being all alone, waiting. Always waiting. Waiting every minute for a call, every day for going to Lisbon. They’ve discussed everything: their airplane tickets, what time they arrive at the airport, what are they going to bring with them and every other detail as if when they were discussing that they were closer to the moment of meeting each other again. They’ve even decided that there was no point of booking two different rooms as they knew pretty well that they will live in one. He didn’t know what was going on between them; he just knew he had dependence on that man and especially on physical contact with him. He just loved being close to Fabrizio and didn’t care at all if it was strange. It was not strange for them, so he didn’t care at all.

Finally the day had come. He was tired, but still couldn’t sleep on the plane, he had too many thoughts inside his head to be able to relax even for a minute. Then he was sitting in the Lisbon airport, drinking a big cup of coffee while waiting for Fabrizio to arrive.

‘Finally you are here,’ he whispered at Fabrì’s ear while being pulled in a tough hug. Oh how he missed being so close to that man. He couldn’t explain even to himself that weird obsession he had on Fab, but as long as he feels so safe and comfortable near him he is not going to do anything about that.

It was amazing how just the presence of Fabrizio was changing him. From being stressed and a bit depressed to suddenly cheerful and alive again. That man was like a charger for him. Yesterday Ermal was smoking on the balcony dully looking at the city feeling only loneliness, but now he was smiling, joking and making fun of Fab on cameras and feeling great. Teasing people he liked always has been his character trait, but he couldn’t remember when was the last time he teased someone that much.

 

‘You know, you could have done at least something with your English, you had enough time.’

Ermal was lying on a little bench they took out to the balcony from their room, his head was on Fabrì’s lap, he was smoking, while Fabrizio was drinking beer from the bottle.

‘I did learn a bit!’

‘Haven’t noticed that.’

‘Oh, fuck off.’ Fabrì laughed. ‘Why are you even complaining? I thought you would like to do all the talk.’

‘Yeah, I would. And also now I can tell more jokes about you and you won’t be able to say anything in your defense,’ he chuckled, taking a pull on a cigarette.

‘That’s why I hired an interpreter,’ answered Fab, gulping his beer while playing with Ermal’s curls. He knew very well that he liked it a lot. Sometimes Fabrizio even thought that he was like a kitten that is about to purr.

‘Don’t think that he’ll help you, but as long as you believe in that I won’t ruin your expectations,’ he smirked. ‘Anyway I’m just sad to lose an opportunity to hear you speak English with that beautiful voice of yours.’ Ermal sat up a little to take Fabrì’s beer, but not to disturb Fab’s hand that was still in his hair.

‘I’m pretty sure I sound better in Italian,’ he took Ermal’s cigarette as for exchange for his beer, ‘but if it is actually something you wished for…’

Ermal looked a little bit confused while taking a swing from the bottle. He wasn’t sure what Fabrizio was trying to say or do. Fab took a pull on an Ermal’s cigarette while collecting his thoughts and then he started saying something weird in English with a horrible Italian accent. He was saying those simple presentation phrases like ‘Hello, my name is Fabrizio and I am from Italy’. Ermal couldn’t help himself but burst out laughing.

‘Oh my god, please, stop!’

But Fabrì continued with ‘I am a musician, I have 43 years’ and something like that. Ermal was almost crying of laughter. He begged him to stop, but the other man wasn’t listening. Fuck, he needed to intermit that hideous speech. He tried closing Fab’s mouth with his hand, but it didn’t work, so Ermal put his hand on the back of Fabrizio’s head pulling him closer, convincing himself he doesn’t have any other option (not like he was looking for any) and put his lips on Fabrì’s. Oh, finally, no more Italian English. Fabrizio’s lips were so soft, so warm, so… He pulled away before completely losing himself. Yet a little bit later than he probably should have.

‘Sorry, I had to stop that,’ he chuckled, lowering his eyes to escape Fabrizio’s look, sipping beer.

‘Oh, that’s okay. I just hope you won’t dare to call that a kiss,’ Fab laughed taking a last pull on the cigarette before throwing it away. Ermal had the guts to look up at Fabrì’s eyes with incomprehension. ‘Oh, well, you actually would? Now I pity Silvia. Poor girl had to suffer nine years with a guy who doesn’t know how to kiss. No wonder she left.’ Fabrizio was laughing, enjoying that offended look on Ermal’s face.

‘Oh, you bastard.’ He took another sip on the beer. ‘It wasn’t a kiss.’

‘That’s what I’m talking about. Glad you are able to acknowledge it.’ Fabrì was laughing. He looked like he has just won a lottery or something.

‘Oh fuck off, I can kiss.’ He finished his (their) beer and put the empty bottle on the floor.

‘After what happened a few seconds ago I doubt it.’

Ermal knew that the best way to end Fabrizio’s revenge would be just to change the subject and to start teasing Fab about something else because he was much better at that, but somehow in his tired and a bit drunk mind that would look like he admitted to that weird accusation.

He looked straight into beautiful brown eyes, that had a daring sparkle, then looked a bit down at those soft lips that were forming a little smile. In one moment he rejected all the conscious thoughts and pulled Fabrì in a real kiss. He probably wouldn’t have thought that this evening can end like this. But now there he was, kissing Fabrizio to prove that he is quite good at that. How weird is that? Probably not as weird as the tenderness with which Fab was answering that kiss. He wouldn’t be able to say when they pulled apart because he definitely had lost himself a bit there.

‘Fabrì…’ His voice was cracking a bit, his heart was beating so loud he barely could hear himself. Fabrizio didn’t answer. He was just looking deep in his eyes gently stroking Ermal’s cheek with only the tips of his fingers. ‘What are we doing?’ He whispered without being able to take off his eyes from Fab’s lips.

‘I’m just following your advice and do as I feel, not as I think.’ His voice was a bit lower and hoarse than usual.

‘Then everything’s fine I guess,’ his whisper was lost in a new kiss.

All those days of being desperate about his life, all those bad thoughts, the loneliness, all of that disappeared. When he was with Fabrizio everything just was fine. That man was erasing all that happened to Ermal before and was filling him with love and happiness.

‘By the way I am quite a good kisser, am I not?’ quietly asked Ermal half an hour later when they were lying on the bed almost sleeping. His head was on Fabrì’s shoulder, his fingers caressing his beard.

‘Not as good as I am, but I’ll teach you,’ he chuckled.

The next morning he woke up first, finding himself in Fabrì’s arms. For few minutes he was just looking at him and smiling. Then he cautiously got up and went on the balcony as quietly as it was possible. He thought that he would regret last night, but he didn’t. Not even a little. He lighted up a cigarette and realized that he was enjoying the morning. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he actually enjoyed mornings at all.

‘ _Smoking kills_ ,’ Ermal heard still sleepy voice of Fabrizio behind him. He didn’t even have time to react when he felt that familiar warmth behind him. Fab wrapped his waist with one arm and took away Ermal’s cigarette with the other, slowly taking a pull.

‘Yeah, and _drinking hurts_ , but _nobody ever will tell you that it is worse to love_ ,’ he quietly continued humming looking at the morning Lisbon. He took back his cigarette that Fab was returning, feeling a small gentle kiss on the neck. ‘ _It creates dangerous dependencies_ … Like mine on yours…’

‘Is that you trying to say you love me?’ Fabrì whispered in Ermal’s ear pulling him a bit closer.

Ermal chuckled, throwing away the cigarette, turning around to look into the other man’s eyes. Fabrizio was looking so sleepy, but yet adorable. How he even managed to do that?

‘The closest thing to that you can hear from me,’ why was he even trying to be bitchy and sarcastic even now?

‘I love you too,’ he said tenderly, leaning in to put a soft kiss on Ermal’s lips.

 

It was a late night. The balcony of his apartment in Milan. Wine, cigarettes… Just as he liked lately. But there was just one thing missing. Or it would be better to say one person. Sometimes Ermal thought that that habit of spending his evenings on the balcony drinking and smoking also came with dependency on Fabrizio. Or maybe it was the least he could do to feel a bit closer if not to Fabrì, but at least to the atmosphere they always shared, feeling himself getting pulled into the memories. It was like he could hear that voice that was always wrapping him as a warm blanket, like he could see that tender and dazzling smile, like he could feel those fingers in his hair.

He missed him a lot. Every second they had spent together. But more than anything he missed those days in Lisbon. The happiest days. He remembered how hard it was sitting through all those interviews and press conferences because they barely could keep their distance at all. The Eurovision days were like heaven for him – being surrounded with so many musicians, singers, being asked about his own music, and also being there with a person he loved by his side. A miracle.

The days were filled with a lot of people, work, rehearsals, interviews and so many things that were making him happy because he loved all of this. He loved that stressful life of a musician, enjoyed it without being able to stop even for a moment, without willing to stop even for a moment. But the nights… They were even more magical. A compilation of feelings and emotions. The relief in each other eyes when it was finally just the two of them, alone. Fabrizio’s tender hugs. The silly jokes on the balcony. The inimitable sincere laugh. The comfortable silence between them while sharing drinks and cigarettes. The passionate yet gentle kisses on the neck. The silly romantic words that were whispered in his ear. The weakness in all his body. The tempting lips that were driving him crazy. The tough arms that were pulling him closer with that incredible tenderness. The glances full of lust. The caressing fingers in his hair and on his cheek. The intense and deep kisses that were leaving him breathless. The fact that Fabrì was so passionate and vibrant, but at the same time so gentle and cautious was driving him crazy. It was as if he was so scared of hurting him he was careful with his every move.

They barely had slept at all those days. They just didn’t want to miss even a second of those fascinating time together. He also realized that all those days he was smiling and laughing. It was a bit strange because there were years before when he didn’t smile at all. And now with just a presence of that man near him he felt so happy that couldn’t help himself but smiled all the time.

His flashbacks were interrupted with a vibration from the phone. His heart skipped a beat. He quickly glanced at the screen. It said ‘Fabbbbrì’ on the caller name and a selfie of him and Fabrizio in Lisbon was flickering. It was a video call.

‘Hey! Hope you are not sleeping yet,’ Fabrì looked tired, but yet smiled happily when saw Ermal’s face.

‘Oh, you know me. Not going to sleep until the sun rises,’ he laughed.

‘I miss you.’

‘Then I have great news. I’ll be in the jury on ‘Amici’ that is just so happened to be shooting in Rome.’

‘Then I also have great news for you – I have a balcony and some wine.’

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, it is long and a bit depressing, sorry  
> enormous love to my bff @keyt_scrat (https://archiveofourown.org/users/keyt_scrat) for being my inspiration and clearing my language mess ♥


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